They might not have a landline, but who can resist a free phone book?

In homes throughout Jefferson last Friday, the following scene likely played out after school:

“Mom! Look at this sweet book I got at school today. It’s got Grandma’s name in it, and it also says where she lives.

“And if you go to this yellow part, they have a whole section on pizza, plus plumbing contractors, too.

“And in this blue part, you can look up how to call someone in Estonia, who to call before you dig, what to do if a tornado comes and when the boys golf team plays Saydel.
“It’s really awesome. It’s like a book version of Google!”

“Wow,” the parent probably replied, “I haven’t seen one of these since 2009 ... when your brother brought one home from school.”

It goes without saying that homes — here, there and everywhere — are rapidly going wireless.

Two in every five American homes now have only cell phones, rendering the phone book frustratingly obsolete for adults who venture to crack one open and turning it into a curiosity for local third graders who can operate their parents’ iPhones better than they can.

But, those third graders now each have a complimentary copy of the Jefferson telephone directory, courtesy of Jefferson Telecom.

The phone company last Friday presented its annual assembly at Jefferson-Scranton Elementary for the entire third grade on proper phone etiquette and how to read the phone book.

When Jody Schulte, who was a year ahead of me in school and now does marketing for her family’s telecommunications company, informed me of the assembly, I instinctively thought, “How quaint!”

And that’s really saying something.

Up until a year and a half ago, I still had a flip-phone.

When I do interviews for stories, I call on a landline — and prefer that my subject is on a landline, too.

There’s nothing worse than trying to talk to a country singer who’s on a tour bus somewhere in South Dakota.

Grunts calling in fire support in the Mekong Delta during the Vietnam War got better reception than someone on a cell phone between Chamberlain and Box Elder on Interstate 90.

The disappearance of landlines — 65.6 percent of adults ages 25 to 29 have only cell phones, according to federal statistics released in December — is particularly irritating for journalists.

I mean, how are we supposed to look up a number and cold call someone at an inappropriate time if they’re not in the phone book?

My own parents have vanished from the phone book in recent years.

The “386” number I committed to heart before starting kindergarten — the same number I called, crying, when I threatened to quit college freshman year, and the number I called, crying, to announce the early morning arrival of their first grandson in 2008 — now likely belongs to somebody else.

The melody my mom made up to help me remember it ranks alongside anything Lennon-McCartney ever did.

But it just dawned on me — I now don’t even know my parents’ number.

On my iPhone, I only have to touch their name with my finger and, presto, I can ask them for money.

And so when Jody informed me of Jefferson Telecom’s assembly, I half-wondered if somebody else would be coming by the school to teach the third grade how to use a card catalog.

Followed by a session on how to change the ribbon in the typewriter.

Followed by a tutorial on the fax machine.

Jefferson Telecom has been conducting the assembly — in which everyone goes home with a free phone book! — since 2008.

Since 2009, the number of total homes in the U.S. with only cell phones has risen from 24.5 percent to 39.4 percent.

Jody knows this, of course. Jefferson Telecom sells cell phones, too.

In fact, she makes a point of asking the third graders each year how many of them still have landlines at home.

“That’s always interesting,” she said. “It keeps shrinking every year.”

Jefferson’s phone book, unlike those in other cities, looks to be about the same size it was a decade ago.

But, Jody confessed, the print looks a little bigger, too.

During their talk on proper phone etiquette, she asked the kids how they should take a message for their parents should someone call and they’re not home.

“If you have a iPhone,” one kid in the front row blurted, “you just press a certain button.”

I’m thinking an assembly on cell phone etiquette wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Like, “When the nice lady at Subway is asking whether you want your sub heated or toasted, should you put the stupid phone down?”

But, the assembly was actually kind of refreshing to experience in these fast, uncertain times.

Afterward, we rounded up the kids whose drawings will appear in the 2014-15 yellow pages and I took their picture for the newspaper.

No, the irony wasn’t lost on me, either.

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Address: 200 N. Wilson St.
Jefferson, IA 50129

Phone:(515) 386-4161