A game of duck, duck, trash

Sunday night is game night at my house.

No, I’m not talking about football.

I mean, any ol’ person can play football, right?

Our weekly game is much more strategic and requires a skill set far superior to that of a mere football player.

It’s called “Trash Tower.”

Let me explain.

OBJECTIVE:
With Sunday night being the evening that the garbage goes to the curb, everyone knows whoever takes the trash out in the kitchen will inevitably be asked to take ALL the trash to the curb.

We refer to this person as the “Loser.”

LOSER:
So, the best way to avoid being the loser is to make sure YOU’RE not the one who’s in the kitchen when the trash has climbed the wall sooo high that it topples over spilling the kernels left in the popcorn bag and once-perfectly balanced pizza crusts all over your feet.

You just can’t be the last one who added to the leaning Tower of Trash.

Get it?

STRATEGIES (tried and true):

1. Restrict what you eat to ONLY things that aren’t individually wrapped, or are in an almost-empty box.

Also, stay away from bananas or oranges.

Balancing a banana peel can be tricky. They are heavy and slippery. Oranges are a lot of cleanup and unless you wanna lose because one tiny, little piece of peel fell to the ground ... just trust me.

2. If you screw up and eat fruit with peels, just do what Kid #4 does: Set it somewhere inconspicuous to avoid adding it to the pile altogether, like in a drawer on the TV stand or the bathroom sink.

Better yet, cram it in the couch cushion for your mom to find next month.

3. Graze repeatedly throughout the day while you stand in the open door of the refrigerator.

The trick is to leave anything you empty IN the fridge. You can usually shove it waaay to the back by the forgotten expired milk. Kid #2 has perfected this move. Besides, Mom gets annoyed when the fridge looks “empty again?!”

So really, you’re just helping her.

4. Think small.

Typically, the smaller the item you have to add the better.

An expert level player knows how to eat things based on the size and shape of an available space he may have found while studying the wobbling tower.

5. Fly below Mom’s radar by any means necessary.

Kid #3 could win an Oscar for her performances as a narcolepsy sufferer.

But then again, the headphones attached permanently to her ears double as a shield of some sort that discourages engaging with her and thereby helping her achieve a stealth-like presence.

6. Kid #1 trademarked the ability to show up at the exact moment dinner is ready. She eats with a boot-camp-mess-hall quickness  then tosses something in the general direction of the Tower and claims loudly, “I don’t live here anymore!”

... and off she goes.

Lastly,

7. If all else fails and no one is around to witness, start a new bag next to the overflowing one and walk away quickly denying any knowledge of its mysterious appearance.

In the end, there is always a clear loser, some poor soul who has to lug the week’s worth of bags to the curb.

A pathetic figure in a robe with wild hair silently crying over a leaky bag that left her toes covered in coffee grounds and egg shells at 6 a.m.

Yes, unfortunately, I hold the record.

See you at the curb, neighbors.

Stefanie Freeman is a Jefferson resident who’s originally an Okie from Muskogee, Oklahoma.

She’s currently serving 18 to life as a mother of four.