Already over summer break

I started a second job and I’m working close to 70 hours a week this summer.

I’m tired. I’m cranky. I’m hot.

If you were to ask the kids, they would tell you that I’m ALWAYS tired and cranky.

Don’t listen to kids. They know NOTHING.

Perhaps it’s the heat that has pushed me over the edge lately because my tolerance for hearing the sound of their voices is at an all-time low.

I don’t have central air in the house and whenever I plug in a window unit, fuses blow all over the place.

In an attempt to keep cool, I’ve refrained from cooking anything in the oven. I’ve dug out all the ancient box fans that in  their old age now  make a ticking/thumping noise instead of a pleasant whirring. I’ve also resorted to sticking my head in the freezer on a regular basis.

I often curse/yell/scream at my “therapist,” which is technically just the forgotten bag of frozen broccoli that resides in the back of the freezer.

It’s free therapy, y’all.

Broccoli doesn’t talk back.

It doesn’t judge me when, while we are conversing, I sneak a teaspoon sundae or three or five. It doesn’t mention that a spoonful of peanut butter dipped directly into the ice cream gallon and then drizzled with Hershey’s syrup is just my way of ignoring the real issues and eating my problems.

No, the broccoli just quietly chills and occasionally defrosts.

Now, if I could just get the kids to chill out.

My absence and the heat is taking its toll on them as well.

I have received countless “emergency” phone calls at work this week from them.

I use the word “emergency” very loosely here.

If I had a dollar instead of a gray hair for each such phone call, I’d have, well, who am I kidding? I’d still have nothing because they take all my money anyway.

According to my extremely accurate research based on 20-plus years of parental experience, I would say there are three types of phony “emergency” phone calls.

Between kids 1-4, I typically receive a combination of these DAILY.

This, my friends, is why I’m talking to Dr. Frozen Broccoli.

#1. Hunger Pains

“Mom, there is literally NOTHING to eat in this house.”

Nevermind the five-pound tub of cheeseballs I purchased at Wal-Mart along with $200 of crap filling the fridge and pantry.

If it requires them to put down the cellphone and use BOTH hands, then there is nothing to eat in this house and “could I bring something home from the drive thru for them?”

My eye started twitching while I typed that.

It’s my trigger.

Moving on ...

#2. Cellphone issues

“Mom I can’t sign in to Netflix and new episodes of my show came out today.”

“Mom, my charger won’t charge my phone and I’m on 30 percent.”

Seriously, I don’t care.

Go outside and run around the house 10 times.

Play with a rock or a pack of stray cats.

Just don’t call me at work about your cellphone.

#3. Tattling

This is my least favorite and is guaranteed to send me into a head-spinning imitation of  that scene from “The Exorcist.”

I’m considering building a wrestling ring in the front yard and selling tickets to passers-by.

I could get a megaphone and be the announcer — “Are you ready to RUMBLE!?”

I can’t keep the peace and I’m tired of trying.

Let’s just take it outside and get it over with already.

The broccoli would no doubt silently disagree with my methods.

It’s going to be a long summer.

Stefanie Freeman is a Jefferson resident currently serving 18 to life as a mother of four.

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Jefferson, IA 50129

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